U.N. Squadron

If this game is anything to go by, then the U.N. are in dire straits. Amidst the glut of countries under its protection, they are unable to squander no more than three planes in the fight against terrorism. Perhaps the game is trying to depict a time when peace prevails; the armaments of the world have been dismantled as they are no longer needed. Well I’m fairly sure I mentioned that issue of a terrorist threat, so unless these planes have the combined power of the X-Jet, Stealth and Jefferson Airplane; then it’s a sad day for the United Nations.

Luckily this is the case; these planes were built on rock and roll and nothings going to stop them now. The entire back catalogue of known Jefferson Airplane songs aside, it’s just a shame the pilots aren’t quite as aptly designed as their flying counterparts. I must warn gamers that this is based upon Area 88, an anime featuring a high amount of intense shouting and 37 areas too many. (Feel free to make your own jokes involving basic subtraction at home!) The characters are as follows:

Shin Kazama: You’d be forgiven for thinking this old chap was indeed related to a certain Tekken family. You might also be forgiven for thinking this old chap is an old girl. Readers might notice I’ve avoided the obligatory observation that Shin might be emo, so allow me to rectify that now. *Joke about cutting oneself here* I’m not sure what the military standard is in Japan when it comes to hair length, but all I know is the first casualty of war is conditioner.

Greg Gates: Yet another highlight of Japan’s collective knowledge of Europe, in a desperate attempt to think of an even vaguely Western name, they have opted for something a director falling from grace might coin to avoid being detected moonlighting in porno’s. (Purely on the basis that Greg Gates it sounds like “Masturbates”) Greg used to earn his living helping hostages all over Europe, so naturally a man who has to conduct himself with the utmost ethics and civil decency is the best man for a job that involves killing faceless terrorists indiscriminately.

Micky Simon: See above regarding knowledge of Western names (Could rhyme with “Sticky Hymen” perhaps?) Courtesy of his Naval background, blonde pompadour and what appears to be the playboy bunny emblazoned on his helmet. He epitomizes all that is right with sexual equality in that most discriminatory of skies. I can hardly blame the East for portraying Mickey in such a way, Top Gun has pretty much set back any heterosexual’s joining the air force for a good 30 years.

In my Gunbird review I explained how the shmup is a contributing factor to arthritis, eye strain and the murder of loved ones...only in fewer words. Well with Auntie Mabel buried I feel I am ready to face society as well as another shmup. U.N. Squadton takes a radical approach by offering a horizontal scrolling screen instead of a vertical one. While it’s been done in many games previously, it doesn’t seem to be the popular choice among this genre, the horizontal method is like Music B on Tetris, its hard hitting lyrics and acoustic harmonies are often overlooked in favour of the manufactured pop superstar that is Music A. I fail to mention music C on purpose as ever since that drug scandal, it singles barely even reach top 40.

U.N. Squadron’s health bar system is unique, or at least it was at the time. Now it’s pretty much the standard within every gritty first person shooter to date. You lose a bit of health, flash for a bit, and all of a sudden your good to go. Luckily you are not subjected to heavy breathing and smears of blood haphazardly slashdotted around the screen like so much wasted jam. (I’m fairly certain ‘Slashdotted’ isn’t a word) The system definitely makes the game easier, which is no bad thing considering lives are limited, which is true of this world as well as you only have 1. Unless of course you go by Buddhist ideology, in that case it’s about 7.

For a world embroiled under severe threat, those stingy bastards at the U.N. find no shame in charging you top whack for missiles used in the line of duty. Being given a free plane at the beginning of the game is just about the only generosity you can expect, but it feels more like one of those dodgy ‘pay nothing for 3 years’ sofa deals. Your basic shots are for free, but power up weapons such as napalm, surface to air missiles and cluster shots will set you back a country’s worth of post-battle reparations. Now it can be argued that these weapons are optional, it is up to the player whether or not they buy them. It is also up the player whether or not they want to get killed by terrorist machinations who shrug off standard weaponry like a fat man against a pea shooter, or if they want to invest their hard earned ‘killing money’ instead on things that will leave memories of the horrific violence for years to come. (I went with the latter, I’m currently facing eviction and my plane has been repossessed).

I trust people to make their own judgement of this game, because once again I have been steadfast unsuccessful in doing an actual review. If I can be accused of anything, it’s enjoying shmups a bit too much, such love is considered the norm in Japan, but over in the England it’s frowned upon more than bestiality. U.N. Squadron has a lot of unique ideas for the genre, and its not overly difficult like oh so many of its brethren. It’s also not too hard to come by these days and it’s definitely one of the better anime based games out there, even if they did remove all mention of it being one.( I wonder if theirs a Tetris music D out there?)