Monkey Puncher

For the uninitiated, the phrase "Monkey Puncher" may sound less like a seminal gameboy colour title, and more like the KKK's main agenda. As it is, I'm not sure racists are too keen on the idea of simian beasts being trained in the art of fisticuffs...but what do I know?

Like all of today's free roaming, too big to actually enjoy games; the player is given the opportunity to select either a Male (Kenta) or Female (Sumire)avatar. As we all know women are hopeless at boxing and before you pull out the sexism card, may I remind you that Million Dollar Baby is a work of fiction. Also women are more likely to be kidnapped by monkeys as King Kong taught us, (Based on true events) which is the entire justification for the game. Rather than calling the police on rouge apes taking away our siblings, it makes far greater sense to train the very thing that created the problem in the first place. Deforestation might be harming the planet, but its ridding us of humanities greatest menace in the process.

Monkey training is perhaps one of the most intense acts of animal cruelty ever witnessed. As personal trainer you must subject the simple minded animal into performing several gruelling training sessions each day. For an animal who's exercise mostly comes out of flinging shit at its close relatives, sit ups and skipping doesn't come naturally. Worse still is the expectation of monkeys as errand boys. Give them the shopping list for the week and they make their way to whatever supermarket doesn't mind wild animals roaming the aisles. (Lidl) Worst of all, as trainer you can scold your monkey for getting the incorrect items on the shopping list. I personally restrain from placing the blame at the feet of bubbles, even if he did bulk purchase crates of bananas instead of the Gin like I asked. I think he notices I get violent towards him when I've had few.

Once your monkey has become a deformed abomination, similar to people who are muscular before adolescence; its time to compete in the official monkey punching circuit. This is by no means an underground tournament run by Cuban immigrants, but rather an epic sport on the international stage. Its about time RSPCA finally put aside its petty values for the sake of a violently entertaining activity. Maybe the half unconscious monkey might even get the opportunity to test new make-up before it hits the shelves....lucky them!

One of the greatest features of this game is its unique narrative, where most game developers from Japan decide to translate the game in full. The kind fellows at Monkey Puncher HQ thought it might be a 'hoot' to make up the English as they went along. The friendly pet shop owner will greet you with "Welcome, my monkey is friendly today", were I not so aware of the broken English...I may be under the impression that the term monkey referred to something far less innocent.

Monkey Puncher appears to be an enigma, having never met a single person who has played this title I have my doubts as to whether or not it actually exists. Often I will wake in the night wrapped in a cold sweat, I then turn to my bedside and caress the small Gameboy cartridge to assure myself of its existence. Perhaps one day I will find the Statue of Liberty collapsed on a stranded beach...then I will come to the realization that is was called "Human Puncher" all along...