Dear Sega (the hedgehog)
In recent months it has come to the attention of myself and many of my cohorts that perhaps your company has gone ever so slightly downhill. Whether or not this can be attributed to scarlet fever, the vapours or some such other "Semite related illness" is beyond my knowing. I do however propose many fresh and inspiring new ideas, may I remind you I was once voted at school "Most likely to succeed at Sega Bass Fishing", as I'm yet to play the game some would argue A: My stake in your company affairs is minimal B: I have thrown away what could have been a glorious career in virtual fishing. I leave that thought open to you, along with several other new concepts that might put the "Rocket" into Chu Chu Jet Set Radio!
SONIC 4-D
In recent months it has come to the attention of myself and many of my cohorts that perhaps your company has gone ever so slightly downhill. Whether or not this can be attributed to scarlet fever, the vapours or some such other "Semite related illness" is beyond my knowing. I do however propose many fresh and inspiring new ideas, may I remind you I was once voted at school "Most likely to succeed at Sega Bass Fishing", as I'm yet to play the game some would argue A: My stake in your company affairs is minimal B: I have thrown away what could have been a glorious career in virtual fishing. I leave that thought open to you, along with several other new concepts that might put the "Rocket" into Chu Chu Jet Set Radio!
SONIC 4-D
Of course we've all heard of Sonic 3-D (except most people) but what about Sonic 4-D! Sega releases a new peripheral which allows players to manipulate space in such a way that it's not as good as it sounds! The basis of the game is Sonic has lots of rings around his messy bachelor pad but Uh-Oh...Amy Rose and her ring allergic mother are coming to dinner! Through Sonics eyes you must pick up rings while avoiding other "Female" duties such as washing the laundry, tidying up and other things that women enjoy!
STREETS OF MINOR DISCONTENT
In a radical break from previous installments in the "streets of "series (streries), Axel and company visit the humble town of Keswick in the search of a passive aggressive crime lord known as Gary Thornton. Unfortunately as a business man Gary has no hordes of street punks, but on the plus side their is a two hour lift stage!
ALEX KIDD IN FAILED REVIVAL WORLD
After trying to shoehorn Segas once never loved mascot into many of its party games, the cards are placed firmly on the table in an all out declaration of wanton Alex Kidd whoring. See as his once semi-passable platform antics are translated into the cel shaded realm, with sub par results! On the plus side, games of "Ro! Cham! Beau!" has now been replaced with a cover system 3rd person shooter
GOLDEN AXE 9 GILIUS GOES DWARF
Deniably popular Dwarf, Gilius Thunderhead fights his greatest foe yet, opium addiction! The game plays similar to previous installments, only the battle against the evil Death Adder and his hordes is nothing more than a rampage through unprepared civilian settlements in a drug assisted haze
ALTERED MAN
Man from altered beast, worried at how the ravages of time and lycanthropy have affected his once youthful face; turns to facial surgery as a means of reinstilling his once unwavering confidence. As the operation goes wrong however, Altered Beast man finds himself weeping in the mirror shouting nothing except "Power Up!"
PAMPLHEX ZONE
Budding pamphlet writer "Pam Flet" is placed smack "Pam" into the "phl-action" when a rival Pamphletier traps Pam in to her very own personal pamphlet pam-tastrophe! Will Pam ever make it out alive, or is it too "Pamph-late" to do a "Pam" thing "Pam-bout" it!? PAMPHLET!
DR.KINTOBORS PLEASANT HARICOT MACHINATION
Before Robotnik their was Kintobor, and before the Mean Bean Machine their was...The Pleasant Haricot Machination. See the prequel to a much loved puzzle game, ripped off from a much loved puzzle game unfold before your very eyes. Find out what drove a promising scientist to personify a single foodstuff with a negative personality, all will be revealed in a game which there has never "Bean" before. (Unless you've played Puyo Puyo)
CRAZY MILKFLOAT
It's time to make some craaaaaaaazy milk deliveries that say a big "Milk you!" to the humdrum nanny PC milk brigade of today! Play as several ethnic and sexually diverse characters in a role dominated in reality by middle aged male sex offenders! If that wasn't enough milk for your money, then what about music by Christopher Cross, the powerful voice behind much loved hit "Arthur theme" and "Arthur 2:On the rocks theme"...and many more!
NiGHTS: INTO REPRESSED MEMORIES
In the last and final installment of the N lower case "I" GHTS series, N lower case "I" GHTS takes his/her ever precarious role as a vessel for children's dreams to levels deemed unsuitable in the waking world. Encouraged by NiGHTS frequently to touch him/her in areas he/she has/hasn't, with the promise of freeing them from a realm of nightmares...what a catch 22 situation! The seasonal release of Christmas NiGHTS: Into Repressed Memories guarantees to feature it's own theme song...again written by Christopher Cross
PANZER DRAGOON FUNF: NICHT HABEN!
In an attempt to glorify an"adequate" series into cult status, only five copies of the next installment will be released, all in a easily perishable cardboard sleeve with disks placed carefully next to the pins of live grenades. Enjoy this epic 26 disk adventure for the cost of a small house or large caravan, just remember not to enjoy yourself too much however as playing the game will ruin the collectors value by a conversion rate of £29 per minute of on rail shooting
JET SET SUPERVISED COMMUNITY SERVICE
All crimes must be paid for, and Sega teaches just that in a brand new installment of the skating series. Beat and his gang must pay for their many acts of vandalism conspiring as art. The game will feature a song about a brother being super and everyone will skip it...this will not be written by Christopher Cross
SUPER MONKEY CUBE
What could be more fun than a monkey rolling in a ball you ask? Answer, a stimuli starved monkey forced into the confines of a static cube. The game works like a Tamagochi or Digimon, only the monkey is always guaranteed to hate you and will die within weeks on account of mental starvation and ridicule from passers by. (Not suitable for those who sympathise with the views of "so called" animal rights groups, more like animal WRONG!)
SHENMUE PETITION
In a hilarious nod to fans of the Shenmue series, Ryo accepts the death of his father and starts one of millions of ineffectual petitions to revive a series which nearly led Sega to bankruptcy. There will be toy capsule machines but they will just contain the generic nostalgic comments of anyone who at some point owned a Dreamcast and fan fiction written about Lan Di having sex with sailors
ZOMBIE REVENGE "PIPE-DOWN"
Dreamcast title Zombie Revenge has been radically re-hauled to appeal to the "Pipe loving generation" of today. Subtle differences invoke a modernised style of game play such as the inclusion of at least one pipe per square meter of floor space, pipe zombies...the product of a bite infected pipe. A level which accurately depicts the inside of a pipe from the perspective of a pipe. Also the game will feature no sound effects except the phrase "Pipe" and all music will be the sound of a pipe banging against a "Pipe". (Q: What's the sound of one pipe clapping? A: NAUTILUS!)
Now with regards to my inevitable royalties Sega, feel free to place the money under my door at exactly 5 o clock. I cannot stress this enough, mother is feint of heart and fears anyone who merchandises hedgehogs so I must be in during the transaction. I look forward to your feedback (E.G. None required...perfection) and hope in the future you wont use the the medieval period unless of course you put the word "Zone" after it...
Regards
B.O. Nanza Bros
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