Gunbird Special Edition-Now with more Gun! (Birds sold separately)

What can be said about Gunbird Special Edition that hasn’t already been said? Well, everything actually. The game was released as a budget title in 2005 and appears to have faded from the scrolling pixel infested backdrop that is time immemorial (or is that time memorandum?). “But what is this?” I hear the people say, “A PS2 review! Why Retro Prefect, either your good looks and alluring charm have since faded thus causing you to create controversy in the videogame world as a misguided cry out for help; or you take the theory that while it is a PS2 game, it is a re-release which harkens back to the bygone days of the 90’s. Also you have the audacity to label yourself the Gamer Prefect by speaking in the third person thus absolving you of any judgement upon your own ego” Well the answer to that long winded question is… a little from both camps. The Gunbird series comprises of two games, each originally released in the arcade and later ported to Dreamcast and PS1. The latter giving claim to a front cover that in no way represents the game in any shape or form. Sex sells as they say, and sex with guns sells even more. Well try telling that to the man pissing blood through the base of his whatsa.

The first in the series is a pioneering experience into the world of eye strain, this is a shmup (Look it up), and like all shmup’s, they are played solely by people like myself who have an obsession with large numbers; and consider anything created post millennium to be heresy. The menu screen is minimal at best, the developers added it in as an afterthought but it does the job nonetheless. One of the most mind boggling options is the choice to flip the screen horizontally. Enjoyment all round for those who can crane their necks 90 degrees im sure you’ll agree. Now I understand this is done to give a ‘true’ arcade feel, but I feel having my TV flipped around on its side may not be the best option. Especially if said TV is delicately mounted to the wall.

So several broken TV’s later I decided to play the game, being a man of adequate gaming prowess, or so I thought. I left the game on its default difficulty, medium. Medium by Gunbird standards is like going to a stake house and asking for medium, instead you are served a black shadow etched onto the plate. The waiter explains your steak has been heated for five hours in a fractional column and then thrown into the suns core. So basically, it’s quite difficult. Like all good games, with ‘gun’ and quite possibly ‘bird’ in the title, there is a choice of 5, count them 5 characters, each one with no back-story to speak of. Im sure the Japanese story was omitted on the grounds of either suggestible references to child molesting, transsexuals galore or both. All 8 pages of the instruction booklet are no help either. From what I gather some people are trying to assemble a magic mirror to grant a wish, they are frequently stopped by three antagonists who like to use poorly laid out text boxes.

The characters are as follows:

Ash- Man with Jetpack who according to Wikipedia is a paedophile, I was only being casually racist when I said the Japanese did that sort of thing but clearly stereotypes have to come from somewhere!

Marion- A young girl/witch, again the paedophile theme continues…with a vengeance!

Valnus- A robot that sounds like slang for the lady part, he has shoulders bigger than his head and from the red stars emblazoned upon them I can only assume he’s Russian. (As all good robots are)

Yuan Nang- A monkey woman on a cloud, I didn’t think Id ever say this but theirs only so many times you can see a monkey woman on a cloud…5

Tetsu- An old man who is most likely wise and judging by his wooden flying contraption a hair brained inventor as well. Avoid at all costs unless you enjoy controlling old people

Now onto the game itself, to grasp an understanding of how this game works, look into the sky and place your finger slightly above your eyes. Get a box of rice crispies (Coco Pops will suffice) and throw them onto your finger, should a single one of them touch the finger then it will explode, re-appear and flash for several seconds. The game play is simplistic as is expected from a shmup; it is however infuriatingly difficult for those of us who lack the superior motor controls to track hundreds of dots on screen. I suppose it’s necessary to follow the ‘practice makes perfect’ rule when playing Gunbird. But practice also makes for a potential fatality of a close family member or beloved pet. My family are still suspicious about the controller shaped marks in Fido’s back…

So onto Gunbird 2, which is basically its predecessor in a shiny coat. It also features two new additional gameplay features. A charge attack can be deployed by pressing square, it’s effectively a poor mans smart bomb but it gets the job done. The second feature is a melee attack. Players foolish and lucky enough to actually get close enough to an enemy to do this should probably think better of it. Not only is it very likely you will drop like a sack of doorknobs upon attempting it, but every time it is used your weapon will power down. As we all know “A weapon powered down will bring naught but a frown”-Gamer Prefect

Like with all my reviews, I have tried to remain impartial with my opinion. Instead I have discredited this game for all its worth, when in fact I have for the most part enjoyed it. This is definitely a game for the shmup fans and those of you who enjoy a challenge. I do however feel the story was a total afterthought and I blame this on poor localisation. However it’s not too hard to come by cheaply nowadays and deserves a place on anybody’s shelf. That is if you have a shelf, I’m not shelf biased or anything…honest (Bloody non-shelvers, coming over here…organising our DVD’s) I give it two "Guns" up...eh readers?