Grotesque moments in gaming #1

Much like every video game journalist (If I can call myself that), I have resorted to trashy top ten style articles. Throughout my life I have witnessed many terrible things, murder, rape pillaging...all by my own hand. It's a sobering thought to think that video games can provide even I, a man with the loosest of Morales; a sense of uninhibited fear. Often this fear comes from most unexpected of places, the likes of resident evil and silent hill pale in comparison to the disturbing events I have witnessed on screen. While certain family members have suggested I confide such details to a phycho-analyst, I see informing everyone of my pain as mandatory to the healing process, even if the sniper rifle in the corner whispers otherwise. Enjoy!

1# The sun

The source of life...or so you might think. The reason you are told to never look directly at the sun is purely an act of common sense by parents. If Super Mario 3 is anything to go by, the sun is a disturbingly unpleasant individual, the intense heat he is subjected to every day has put him in a perpetually menopausal state. I would be happy to see the world plunged into darkness and devoid of vegetation, until a dust bowl effect plagues the world with unending blight. Just as long as that sun should never emerge again. My only concern is whether or not there is a moon equivalent, it might be considerably smaller, but its a lot closer to earth and constant comparisons to his brighter sibling may have caused him to develop a serious Napoleon complex. Its an extreme measure on the part of the sun, of all the threats to the galaxy, the most noble of causes is thwarting a plumber saving a princess. His methods are incredibly destructive and cack handed at best, by weaving down to earth the sun brings a rein of destruction. Boiling the seas, melting the polar ice caps and providing unhealthy amounts of UV to billions of people. Perhaps its naive of me to think something older than the concept of time would have a more calculating plan of action. Then again, solar entities aren't well known for their mental prowess.

Navy Seals

The zulu raids were a period of gross misconduct on the part of the British empire, but also the place I grew to know some of my most cherished aquaintances. Rou La Femme, affectionatley known by the lads as "Spear dispatcher" is one such friend. In a sordid attempt to ride upon the coat tails of my success, he has taken his hand to my trade. Being a forgiving type I have humored the old boy with his 15 minutes in the limelight, so enjoy....but not too much mind.

At the moment the Armed forces are enjoying levels of popularity unheard of since World War II: Requiem. Wars are being fought; help for heroes is using injured army men trying to stop the falling ratings and Modern Fighting: Ghost Battlefield 3 – Call of Honour is everyone’s preferred way of being abused by American teenagers.

Things weren’t always this good though. In the old days games very rarely featured thinly veiled representations of the Iraq conflict instead relying on ‘fictional scenarios’ which included unlikely events such as devils invading the moon or children finding discarded weaponry in the woods. Thank goodness then that as a youngster I managed to get my hands on Navy Seals for the gameboy.

This exciting title pitched you as an elite navy SEAL waging war against a vaguely defined terrorist cell. Each exciting level saw you infiltrate what appeared to be a giant crack house and stop the terrorists from blowing it up. Each crack house was staffed by angry terrorists who would try and deplete your life bar by running headlong into you. A surprisingly effective method of attack given that your highly trained Seal was armed with that popular videogame stalwart, the Uzi. I would say thought that the terrorists appeared to be something more than human. From the neck down they sported a smart jeans and jumper combination and were even so kind as to have the right amount of arms and legs. However they also appeared to be gifted with only one large eye each and a sort of pointed wolverine haircut/helmet. Further to this they could absorb several bullets into their bodies without even flinching. They also had the uncanny ability to phase through solid floors in order to sneak up behind you. Coupled with this inhuman threat was the peril of falling pieces of masonry which could appear at any moment and smash the unnamed army character to bits. An especially gratifying feature when the game is requiring you to leap onto adjacent platforms while being chased by a terrorist. Even better the masonry would apparently regenerate so that retracing your steps left you vulnerable to the same piece of masonry you had just avoided. When faced with all this the obligatory spiked pits are a familiar and comforting friend.

The one ray of sunshine, the light of Mr Navy Seals life was the omnipresent sniper. Upon hitting the select button the fantastically well hidden sharpshooter would take out everyone on screen, although naturally falling masonry remained immune to his marksmanship. Unfortunately the Sniper was a fickle lover and could only be called upon three times before he took a hissy fit and went away to look at women in bikinis through his sniper scope.

Now far be it for me to criticise the methods of the armed forces and generic terrorist cells but everyone’s methods in this game seem to be extremely floored. As far as I can tell the buildings being blown up by the terrorists were abandoned, crumbling and filled exclusively with terrorists. I realise that some people don’t condone suicide but is it really up to the Navy to get send troops in to stop a mass suicide attempt. Even if this is the case I would guess that shooting at people is not a brilliant way of saving them. Furthermore is it really good practice to send one soldier and a temperamental sniper as back up?

In the end Navy S.E.A.Ls manages to illustrate just how futile war is, or at least how futile playing games made by Ocean was. Overall I would give it a Charlie Sheen out of a not sure if the game was based on that film or not.

Post courtesy of R.Lafemme

U.N. Squadron

If this game is anything to go by, then the U.N. are in dire straits. Amidst the glut of countries under its protection, they are unable to squander no more than three planes in the fight against terrorism. Perhaps the game is trying to depict a time when peace prevails; the armaments of the world have been dismantled as they are no longer needed. Well I’m fairly sure I mentioned that issue of a terrorist threat, so unless these planes have the combined power of the X-Jet, Stealth and Jefferson Airplane; then it’s a sad day for the United Nations.

Luckily this is the case; these planes were built on rock and roll and nothings going to stop them now. The entire back catalogue of known Jefferson Airplane songs aside, it’s just a shame the pilots aren’t quite as aptly designed as their flying counterparts. I must warn gamers that this is based upon Area 88, an anime featuring a high amount of intense shouting and 37 areas too many. (Feel free to make your own jokes involving basic subtraction at home!) The characters are as follows:

Shin Kazama: You’d be forgiven for thinking this old chap was indeed related to a certain Tekken family. You might also be forgiven for thinking this old chap is an old girl. Readers might notice I’ve avoided the obligatory observation that Shin might be emo, so allow me to rectify that now. *Joke about cutting oneself here* I’m not sure what the military standard is in Japan when it comes to hair length, but all I know is the first casualty of war is conditioner.

Greg Gates: Yet another highlight of Japan’s collective knowledge of Europe, in a desperate attempt to think of an even vaguely Western name, they have opted for something a director falling from grace might coin to avoid being detected moonlighting in porno’s. (Purely on the basis that Greg Gates it sounds like “Masturbates”) Greg used to earn his living helping hostages all over Europe, so naturally a man who has to conduct himself with the utmost ethics and civil decency is the best man for a job that involves killing faceless terrorists indiscriminately.

Micky Simon: See above regarding knowledge of Western names (Could rhyme with “Sticky Hymen” perhaps?) Courtesy of his Naval background, blonde pompadour and what appears to be the playboy bunny emblazoned on his helmet. He epitomizes all that is right with sexual equality in that most discriminatory of skies. I can hardly blame the East for portraying Mickey in such a way, Top Gun has pretty much set back any heterosexual’s joining the air force for a good 30 years.

In my Gunbird review I explained how the shmup is a contributing factor to arthritis, eye strain and the murder of loved ones...only in fewer words. Well with Auntie Mabel buried I feel I am ready to face society as well as another shmup. U.N. Squadton takes a radical approach by offering a horizontal scrolling screen instead of a vertical one. While it’s been done in many games previously, it doesn’t seem to be the popular choice among this genre, the horizontal method is like Music B on Tetris, its hard hitting lyrics and acoustic harmonies are often overlooked in favour of the manufactured pop superstar that is Music A. I fail to mention music C on purpose as ever since that drug scandal, it singles barely even reach top 40.

U.N. Squadron’s health bar system is unique, or at least it was at the time. Now it’s pretty much the standard within every gritty first person shooter to date. You lose a bit of health, flash for a bit, and all of a sudden your good to go. Luckily you are not subjected to heavy breathing and smears of blood haphazardly slashdotted around the screen like so much wasted jam. (I’m fairly certain ‘Slashdotted’ isn’t a word) The system definitely makes the game easier, which is no bad thing considering lives are limited, which is true of this world as well as you only have 1. Unless of course you go by Buddhist ideology, in that case it’s about 7.

For a world embroiled under severe threat, those stingy bastards at the U.N. find no shame in charging you top whack for missiles used in the line of duty. Being given a free plane at the beginning of the game is just about the only generosity you can expect, but it feels more like one of those dodgy ‘pay nothing for 3 years’ sofa deals. Your basic shots are for free, but power up weapons such as napalm, surface to air missiles and cluster shots will set you back a country’s worth of post-battle reparations. Now it can be argued that these weapons are optional, it is up to the player whether or not they buy them. It is also up the player whether or not they want to get killed by terrorist machinations who shrug off standard weaponry like a fat man against a pea shooter, or if they want to invest their hard earned ‘killing money’ instead on things that will leave memories of the horrific violence for years to come. (I went with the latter, I’m currently facing eviction and my plane has been repossessed).

I trust people to make their own judgement of this game, because once again I have been steadfast unsuccessful in doing an actual review. If I can be accused of anything, it’s enjoying shmups a bit too much, such love is considered the norm in Japan, but over in the England it’s frowned upon more than bestiality. U.N. Squadron has a lot of unique ideas for the genre, and its not overly difficult like oh so many of its brethren. It’s also not too hard to come by these days and it’s definitely one of the better anime based games out there, even if they did remove all mention of it being one.( I wonder if theirs a Tetris music D out there?)