The zulu raids were a period of gross misconduct on the part of the British empire, but also the place I grew to know some of my most cherished aquaintances. Rou La Femme, affectionatley known by the lads as "Spear dispatcher" is one such friend. In a sordid attempt to ride upon the coat tails of my success, he has taken his hand to my trade. Being a forgiving type I have humored the old boy with his 15 minutes in the limelight, so enjoy....but not too much mind.
At the moment the Armed forces are enjoying levels of popularity unheard of since World War II: Requiem. Wars are being fought; help for heroes is using injured army men trying to stop the falling ratings and Modern Fighting: Ghost Battlefield 3 – Call of Honour is everyone’s preferred way of being abused by American teenagers.
Things weren’t always this good though. In the old days games very rarely featured thinly veiled representations of the Iraq conflict instead relying on ‘fictional scenarios’ which included unlikely events such as devils invading the moon or children finding discarded weaponry in the woods. Thank goodness then that as a youngster I managed to get my hands on Navy Seals for the gameboy.
This exciting title pitched you as an elite navy SEAL waging war against a vaguely defined terrorist cell. Each exciting level saw you infiltrate what appeared to be a giant crack house and stop the terrorists from blowing it up. Each crack house was staffed by angry terrorists who would try and deplete your life bar by running headlong into you. A surprisingly effective method of attack given that your highly trained Seal was armed with that popular videogame stalwart, the Uzi. I would say thought that the terrorists appeared to be something more than human. From the neck down they sported a smart jeans and jumper combination and were even so kind as to have the right amount of arms and legs. However they also appeared to be gifted with only one large eye each and a sort of pointed wolverine haircut/helmet. Further to this they could absorb several bullets into their bodies without even flinching. They also had the uncanny ability to phase through solid floors in order to sneak up behind you. Coupled with this inhuman threat was the peril of falling pieces of masonry which could appear at any moment and smash the unnamed army character to bits. An especially gratifying feature when the game is requiring you to leap onto adjacent platforms while being chased by a terrorist. Even better the masonry would apparently regenerate so that retracing your steps left you vulnerable to the same piece of masonry you had just avoided. When faced with all this the obligatory spiked pits are a familiar and comforting friend.
The one ray of sunshine, the light of Mr Navy Seals life was the omnipresent sniper. Upon hitting the select button the fantastically well hidden sharpshooter would take out everyone on screen, although naturally falling masonry remained immune to his marksmanship. Unfortunately the Sniper was a fickle lover and could only be called upon three times before he took a hissy fit and went away to look at women in bikinis through his sniper scope.
Now far be it for me to criticise the methods of the armed forces and generic terrorist cells but everyone’s methods in this game seem to be extremely floored. As far as I can tell the buildings being blown up by the terrorists were abandoned, crumbling and filled exclusively with terrorists. I realise that some people don’t condone suicide but is it really up to the Navy to get send troops in to stop a mass suicide attempt. Even if this is the case I would guess that shooting at people is not a brilliant way of saving them. Furthermore is it really good practice to send one soldier and a temperamental sniper as back up?
In the end Navy S.E.A.Ls manages to illustrate just how futile war is, or at least how futile playing games made by Ocean was. Overall I would give it a Charlie Sheen out of a not sure if the game was based on that film or not.
Things weren’t always this good though. In the old days games very rarely featured thinly veiled representations of the Iraq conflict instead relying on ‘fictional scenarios’ which included unlikely events such as devils invading the moon or children finding discarded weaponry in the woods. Thank goodness then that as a youngster I managed to get my hands on Navy Seals for the gameboy.
This exciting title pitched you as an elite navy SEAL waging war against a vaguely defined terrorist cell. Each exciting level saw you infiltrate what appeared to be a giant crack house and stop the terrorists from blowing it up. Each crack house was staffed by angry terrorists who would try and deplete your life bar by running headlong into you. A surprisingly effective method of attack given that your highly trained Seal was armed with that popular videogame stalwart, the Uzi. I would say thought that the terrorists appeared to be something more than human. From the neck down they sported a smart jeans and jumper combination and were even so kind as to have the right amount of arms and legs. However they also appeared to be gifted with only one large eye each and a sort of pointed wolverine haircut/helmet. Further to this they could absorb several bullets into their bodies without even flinching. They also had the uncanny ability to phase through solid floors in order to sneak up behind you. Coupled with this inhuman threat was the peril of falling pieces of masonry which could appear at any moment and smash the unnamed army character to bits. An especially gratifying feature when the game is requiring you to leap onto adjacent platforms while being chased by a terrorist. Even better the masonry would apparently regenerate so that retracing your steps left you vulnerable to the same piece of masonry you had just avoided. When faced with all this the obligatory spiked pits are a familiar and comforting friend.
The one ray of sunshine, the light of Mr Navy Seals life was the omnipresent sniper. Upon hitting the select button the fantastically well hidden sharpshooter would take out everyone on screen, although naturally falling masonry remained immune to his marksmanship. Unfortunately the Sniper was a fickle lover and could only be called upon three times before he took a hissy fit and went away to look at women in bikinis through his sniper scope.
Now far be it for me to criticise the methods of the armed forces and generic terrorist cells but everyone’s methods in this game seem to be extremely floored. As far as I can tell the buildings being blown up by the terrorists were abandoned, crumbling and filled exclusively with terrorists. I realise that some people don’t condone suicide but is it really up to the Navy to get send troops in to stop a mass suicide attempt. Even if this is the case I would guess that shooting at people is not a brilliant way of saving them. Furthermore is it really good practice to send one soldier and a temperamental sniper as back up?
In the end Navy S.E.A.Ls manages to illustrate just how futile war is, or at least how futile playing games made by Ocean was. Overall I would give it a Charlie Sheen out of a not sure if the game was based on that film or not.
Post courtesy of R.Lafemme
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