Numan Athletics

Scientists provide us with all the answers these days, were it not for scientists we would be without everything we take for granted. Computers, mobile phones and Tron, all gone in an instant. One thing they can never provide an answer to however is the future. A future were the Olympic Games are so desperate to grab audiences, that ‘Train pushing’ is now an official sport, the Niagara falls is deemed safe enough for the high jump; and India is represented by an incredibly insensitive racial stereotype….it’s also called Numan Athletics.

Numan Athletics is effectively track and field to the extreme, if normal athletes run 10 miles and hour, then this game makes them run 1,000. It’s like seeing through the eyes of Daley Thompson for just one day; only Daley Thompson is blind due to the fact he is constantly outrunning light. Points are rewarded for each respective event; the winner is given the opportunity to write down a whole range of three letter insults as long as they hit the leader board. The events in question are:

Turbo Dash- As explained before, fast running….only faster. You have to do the old alternating button trick as quickly as possible; those who win gain the prestige of victory. Those who don’t survive through their 30’s without contracting arthritis…everyone’s a winner!

Interceptor- Stop missiles from a large naval battleship hitting you, the quicker the reaction the higher the points. One would think the world was put off by the prospect of large cannons ever since Cher heaved her whored self on top of one in an attempt to turn back time. If Doctor who has taught us anything it’s that time doesn’t work like that, and the traumatic memories shall forever remain in our heart, in the case of the doctor…hearts.

Tower Topper- In an attempt to make France look like something other than arrogant, they have opened their sweaty arms to the idea of freaks leaping between buildings parkour style in an attempt to reach the top. Kudos to France and its symbolic olive branch, perhaps now we can all forget the sordid events of world war 4 and look forward to the dystopian Shatner vision that is the TekWars.

VS.Express- In the future trains are unable to use breaks in an incentive to reduce carbon emissions and get rid of the new breed of vagrants known as “Arriva urchins”. Therefore it is up to professional athletes to stop them with bare hands, I would say don’t try this at home but I can’t imagine many people have a fully serviceable locomotive in their drawing room…or a drawing room for that matter.

Scud Toss- Perhaps the most unethical event of them all. Scud Toss involves players throwing a dangerous looking missile across the African Savannah. I can understand that an event like this might not go down to well in a built up area, but when you see a zebra coloured crater 500 meters away you know that Michael Jackson wrote earth song for a reason.

Nonstop Rock Chop- Fairly self explanatory bar the nonstop aspect to proceedings. Athletes smash their pudgy fists into jagged rocks, so that one day they can lift that trophy with the bloodied nubs at the end of their wrists they once called hands.
Numan Sniper- The most nerve wracking of games, this involves extreme dedication and reflexes as player’s fire upon the disturbingly frequent occurrences of Kraken and Kuthulu rising from the Arctic Ocean. My sympathies are with the Loch Ness Monster who has no doubt been demoted to kitchen duties what with the freakish mutations of future marine life.

Niagara Jumps- My mother had a saying “If you’re going to do something well, do it over the 10th largest waterfall in the world”. Alas, the ill fated advice came with a price as she tumbled down into the crashing foam; both she and the world were not ready for a gritty musical based on hydroelectric power. The Niagara Jump involves athletes leaping three times in quick succession against the unrelenting downward pull of a naturally formed death trap. While it’s not my place to comment on the dangers of waterfall leaping, I find that there should be at least some financial compensation left for the grieving family.

Numan Athletics is best played in 4 player mode, because each player number has a corresponding character, this will undoubtedly lead to disputes regarding who’s who. So here’s a who’s who of who’s who:

Sharon- Representing France is the only woman in the entire Numan Olympics, a woman who despite her stature can stop trains with sheer brute force. She’s the sort of person who could easily get away with domestic abuse upon an impressionable male, for your information she was a gentle woman and the train shaped marks on my arm are from getting carried away with my monthly train role playing get together

Masaemon- Representing Japan is the blackcurrant haired warrior known as Masaemon. While he may not be the best, he certainly gives it a try. What other athlete holds up two paper fans after a gruelling event? Some critics would have you believe that a man who speaks English and is clearly Caucasian couldn’t possibly descend from Japan. Well lucky for us the future doesn’t judge people on looks and nationality when representing a country. I would say this is a better future, a brighter future…a Numan future

Harry- Cocksure harry is what the ladies call him, oddly he doesn’t seem interested in all the female attention, but in no way does that make him gay I assure you! Representing America is the ladies man about town; clad in a Lycra ensemble he provides hope to the young Americans of today. Yes he does live with his overbearing mother and yes he has a tendency to frequent public bathrooms for long periods of time in the middle of the night. But they are merely the quirks of a man who definitely has an interest in women.

Bongo- In the days before political correctness, people were legally obliged to portray Indians as hulking brutes that shared the same name as a percussion instrument. Much like Daley Thompson, Bongo tries not to get bogged down by the racist nature of Olympic sport, and for that I admire him…his favourite food is probably curry as well

This is definitely one of the better track and field copycats, I would go as far to say its better than the source material. If there is ever an option to play as a green haired foreigner named after a musical instrument it’s usually a good sign. If you are the beneficiary to an aging Dukes fortune, then I strongly recommend you buy this in its arcade-only form. If you are however one of the common masses, then you have more to worry about than the purchase of hard to come by arcade cabinets. Should you luck upon this machine amongst the grimy coastal areas of the UK, ignore the faecal encrusted buttons, ignore the paedophile in the corner and absorb yourself in the sport of freaks. But seriously, do watch out for the paedo…