Super Smash TV

As we all know 1999 was a year of contemplation for all of us, not two years before had the Queen of our Hearts been so cruelly snatched away from this mortal coil due to a calamitous mix up involving English Royalty and a Lewis Carroll creation of the same name. Still, the public found solidarity in such a premature death by viewing copious amounts of it via a worldwide broadcast. Rou La Femme elaborates in that way he does (with words)

In the year 1999 the main form of entertainment will be a game show where a man in red trousers shoots wave after wave of cyborgs in order to win a toaster. Of course the premise of Super Smash TV seems laughable now; traditional game shows became extinct around 1992 and were replaced by a Geordie man attempting to psychologically torment a group of prisoners into killing/having sex with each other. It amuses the Geordie man to know that everyone wants one of these things to happen but if it ever did it would never be shown on television. With this in mind was Smash TV really that wrong in its bleak predictions? Well yes obviously it was as the technology required to graft a man with learning difficulties to a tank does not yet exist. Does this mean that Smash TV was a bad game? Let’s find out together dear reader. (It was a good game)

In reality Smash TV would have made a poor premise for a TV show, watching two contestants blast away at wave after wave of enemies might have been entertaining for a while but audiences would soon get bored. Thankfully your average games player is slightly less discerning and can derive hours of fun from standing next to a doorway firing wildly at enemies resembling the robots from batteries not included. The first few rooms might encourage the player to assume Smash TV is a mindless blaster, where all you need do is stand in a corner and hold down B until anything that moves is reduced to rubble. It soon becomes apparent that Smash TV is all about making use of available space and carving yourself out a small section of screen that isn’t covered by enemies. This does become a slightly easier prospect in two player mode but then you have to compete with your fellow contestant for a decent share of luxury luggage sets and VCR’s. Really it shouldn’t make much of a difference as to who gets all the prizes but at the end of each level when the values are added up you don’t want to be the one looking dejected as your opponents prize levels reach up to the stratosphere and don’t forget that in the end the winner has the right to say “Imagine if all these prizes were real!”. You wouldn’t want to imagine that your friend had twenty toasters and you only had five, how could you ever look your poor wife in the eye? The children want their toast and you are having to make it in batches, what kind of man are you? Not a man at all ….BUT A MOUSE.

Of course this is all fantasy; the game was so hard that neither red nor blue man would ever make it past the second level. That wife would have no toaster at all and would be grieving for her husband who had died of being run over by a giant face. Sadly the SNES version of Smash TV only provided a finite amount of continues meaning the third and fourth levels would remain a mystery until I bought Midway Arcade treasures and played it through to the end. Needless to say the final half of the game was so hectic that I have not managed to retain any memories of it aside from the fact that the game show host was the final boss.

I have managed to get this far without actually mentioning the host of Smash TV, unfortunately convention dictates that I must now repeat all of his catchphrases and then describe how he would occasionally pop up flanked by transsexuals and wiggle his eyes.

The gameshow host was well random and funny lol I well remember him doing good phrases, I like to think about what he said and done a lol. Also the women in it looked like transsexuals. i.e. they were actually men.

“These prizes are numerous and the amounts of currency are steep. I am in favour of this.”

“I would make a financial transaction where I would exchange that item for a dollar.”

“Utter Problems!”


In my humble opinion the game show host was overrated, he had a stupid face and he had copied all his moves from the far superior Mutoid Man. Now there was a boss to ironically make a fuss about. Let us explore further the legend of Mutoid Man.

Mutoid Man is a large bald man with a tank where his legs should be; he wears a fetching green outfit and is definitely educationally subnormal. His ability to speak is limited to guttural noises such as “Weerghhh” and occasionally saying “No way” but he hasn’t let that stop him get to the top of the pile. How many men do you know that are composed of a metal skellington on some tank legs which is actually covering your own head on the same tank legs? Not many but its certainly comes as a surprise! Not only does Mutoid Man have two helpers on his tank legs who fire cannons at you, but he will swipe you with his meaty fists and fire beams of electric at you from his pig like eyes. He also likes to laugh at people who try to shoot him with the basic gun as it merely ricochets from his powerful frame. The only real way to do any damage to Mutoid Man is using the Whiny grenade launcher to smash grenades onto his face, but even then you run the risk of him absent mindedly running you over. The only thing we can question about Mutoid man is how come he doesn’t get more of a starring role? Instead of the game show host popping up to make quips it should be Mutoid Man shouting No Way and then accidentally crushing one of the transsexuals. He didn’t mean to do it but the police would never believe you. Mutoid Man could never survive in prison, people would be constantly trying to make him say ‘No Way’. Far better take him somewhere peaceful and do him in with the whiny grenade launcher. Personally I would have framed Scar Face for the deed, but no one thinks like that in a crisis.

It is for this reason that I give Super Smash TV one Robotron clone out of it would be better if it featured Eddie the common truck driver from the Weakest Link Game.