The Adventures Of Alundra: A Link To Nintendo's Copyright Department

The year was 1997...the Internet was just about passable as something that could be used for things, just as long as you had the patience

Imagine however, a world where Wikipedia was absent, where the only way to find out about the latest PS1 titles was to actually buy a magazine inaccurately stating the release dates. You could I suppose troll through the hundreds of self proposed "Fansites" courtesy of Geocities; but that would usually end in tragedy as you scrolled through a slow loading page of animated GIFS, and then got your first taste of pornographic fan art...

So Alundra, well endowed as I came to find he is; became known as a result of the now thankfully defunct "Playstation MAX" magazine. A periodical which embraced the ideals of journalism like a burly retard man who doesnt know his own strength, the neck snapping inaccuracies of this magazine however made me aware of Alundra, a Zelda clone which had I been older and wiser, would have seen it as just that...and still bought it anyway.

I recently took to replaying the game after two previous unsuccessful attempts trying to finish it, I shall recall these attempts in chronological order...

ATTEMPT EIN: Got stuck on a pyramid level although the exact details of why or what went wrong are unknown. I later discovered an array of cheats for the game on my Action Replay cartridge which may have lead to the memory card reformatting itself...game restart became undesirable on account of post traumatic memory card loss

LESSON LEARNED- If thou art to gain glory through cheating, Alundra and other PS1 titles shall be deleting

ATTEMPT ZWEI: Scrolled through the overly long introduction sequence with major disinterest, ended up strolling onto a beach only to underestimate the power of fire breathing turtles, game over without saving, prospect of seeing the intro a second time...undesirable.

LESSON LEARNED- A boring summer cannot be quelled, by a foray into games previously uncompelled (to play to the end)

ATTEMPT DREI: Seemingly ploughed through levels I previously thought of as impossible, possibly as a result of having nothing else to do other than hand out flyers for an Italian restaurant supposedly owned by a Persian. (He was able to reverse time briefly when people denied his flyers) six months have now transpired, prospect of returning to a story driven game I have neglected for over half a year...undesirable but feasible

LESSON LEARNED- In youth, skills are low. When grown, far you go

The problem with coming back to games from your childhood is that A: They are often shit B: They are far more difficult, and my tolerance to play them is far less. I soon discovered however, that Alundra falls into neither of this categories, not only does it hold up, but the difficulty is far easier than I had remembered. Perhaps it may be that now in my mature stages of adulthood, I have developed the necessary life skills with which to traverse fictional coal mines and crypts easily, whereas the ability to converse with a labourer without contempt still eludes me. Alundra still however provides the tried and tested trial and error you can never be expected to really understand.

Games from the PS1 era however, take longer to load than other consoles on account of the mega graficks and the deposit of dog shite in the disk tray. Try as my father might to remove this evidence, the noxious cocktail of fecal matter and lemon zest will forever remain in my nostrils, reminding me of a simpler, potentially blinding time...

Alundra is definitely a hidden gem among the PS1 library and in some ways surpasses the Zelda series. First of all, the story extends beyond rescue the princess by collecting three things followed by eight things and secondly, the bombs you carry are twice as comically over-sized. Regrettably the sequel decided to enter into 3D, and while I enjoyed the game at the time I can safely assume Alundra 2 has aged nowhere near as well as its predecessor. Buy it, play it, never finish it...( a fourth attempt is planned for 2023)

Grotesque Moments in Gaming #2

#2 The Peahat

Today is a very important day, today is the day you take those first tentative steps outside the comfort of your village and into the world of Hyrule. Opportunity awaits you at every turn, there will be ups and downs, adventure and intrigue; giant pineapples drifting menacingly behind you. Perhaps Nintendo's family friendly image comes from a vested attempt by the developers to inflict sheer terror among several generations, Grandmother hasn't been near a fruit salad since (Her views on tomatoes however are somewhat mixed). Ocarina of time seems to throw a lot of disturbing images at the player throughout, when the elf-child protagonist isn't being molested by the shriveled undead; he is being mentally undressed by a blatant paedophile who offers masks as way of keeping his victims quiet. Its greatest horrors however, emerge once the Peahat is innocently stumbled upon. Quickly turning what was once a leisurely stroll across the Hyrule plains into a game of "Avoid the floating pineapple", feel free to turn this expression into a euphemism so long as said erotic act doesn't actually involve the Peahat.(I hear they can be rough lovers) Perhaps the fear derives from the paranoid notion that fruit and vegetables will eventually enact revenge on society for years of abuse, either that or the mysterious disappearance of both my parents at about the same time a large orange bulb began to grow in the back garden.