Mario Party 3 (Return Of The Formulaic Party Game)

Dear the N64 console

For many years I have enjoyed the graphical marvel your console provides, the clunky 3-D worlds, the clunky controllers, the clunky plots you try to shoehorn into games that don't need it. The ability to capture every facet of human emotion in a clunky avatar that is more than likely an animal with an alliterated name. But now the year is 2001, and the rising popularity of Robbie Williams strongly suggests we must regress to a simpler time, where women are women, and men don't dress like Gene Simmons in the name of "Entertaining you". A time when Cluedo could be enjoyed without people making suggestive jokes about the lead pipe, a time when board games ruled...this time is now, this time is Mario Party time!

And so with these wise words in mind, Mario Party saw its third and unfortunately nowhere near final installment released in 2001. Six sequels later and the game mechanics have not changed in the slightest, bar the  tacked on control scheme courtesy of the Wii Remote. At the time, the idea of a board game interspersed with mini games sounded like a refreshing idea. Of course the Wii has taught us that mini games serve only one use, and that is to appease the working class long enough to not commit acts of wanton vandalism. The fact that the riots co-inside with the gap between the releases of Mario Party 8 and 9 is no coincidence...

As with all board games, playing alone is not only dull; but also a sign of how tragic a persons life has become. The only thing more depressing than a rainy night of boggle alone, is a rainy night of boggle with a incomprehensible green dinosaur that keeps stealing your Boggle cubes. After playing this game on and off for five years with the same set of friends, the game has now developed from an innocent Nintendo endorsed board game, into a coin grabbing ritualistic hate fest filled with numerous catch phrases, racism towards trees, and tragic twists of fate that can lead the winner into last place within a turn. The games major fault really is the brutal tendency it has of stripping a player of all their hard earned/stolen stars and coins. It is for this very reason that the game fails to provide any sense of achievement even if you do win, the best strategy is to spend most of the game without any assets, as you run less risk of losing them all immediately...although as we all know Waluigi is always the party star, and this is a role he never takes lightly

A lot of people have dismissed this game as being nothing more than an unnecessary sequel to an unnecessary series, and I would wholeheartedly agree. But as Mario Party games go, Mario Party 3 is by far the most unnecessary sequel of them all, and for that it deserves its rightful place in the homes of all people who enjoy torturing their friends for 20-40 turns. I give this game two waves of Bowsers clunky "take about ten" coin stealing hands...

Grotesque Moments in Gaming #2

#2 The Peahat

Today is a very important day, today is the day you take those first tentative steps outside the comfort of your village and into the world of Hyrule. Opportunity awaits you at every turn, there will be ups and downs, adventure and intrigue; giant pineapples drifting menacingly behind you. Perhaps Nintendo's family friendly image comes from a vested attempt by the developers to inflict sheer terror among several generations, Grandmother hasn't been near a fruit salad since (Her views on tomatoes however are somewhat mixed). Ocarina of time seems to throw a lot of disturbing images at the player throughout, when the elf-child protagonist isn't being molested by the shriveled undead; he is being mentally undressed by a blatant paedophile who offers masks as way of keeping his victims quiet. Its greatest horrors however, emerge once the Peahat is innocently stumbled upon. Quickly turning what was once a leisurely stroll across the Hyrule plains into a game of "Avoid the floating pineapple", feel free to turn this expression into a euphemism so long as said erotic act doesn't actually involve the Peahat.(I hear they can be rough lovers) Perhaps the fear derives from the paranoid notion that fruit and vegetables will eventually enact revenge on society for years of abuse, either that or the mysterious disappearance of both my parents at about the same time a large orange bulb began to grow in the back garden.