“All your wishes can come true so long as those wishes involve all your intellectual property being owned by Disney.”
Order in the court! Once upon a time Uncle Werner Herzog Disney might have been the ice-man at the top of the adventure land totem pole. But now I Michael “Iron Fist” Eisner am the one making all the hard decisions, or at least I was during the 90’s until I was forced out for indecision regarding the Power Rangers franchise. Old Wodan might have thought he had explained the delightful electronic content that the Disney corporation have on offer but everything he says is just fairy stories, much like the stories you hear about people being killed on the small world ride. While the ice-man is back in the chest freezer allow me to present a series of graphs representing our ability to harness the power of a child’s imagination and turn it into cold hard cash. (Specifically Eisner-dollars which will become legal tender once I offer England’s Queen a role in High School Musical 4: Secret of the Ooze)
Aladdin:
Whether it be a Chinese boy fighting his evil uncle Abanazer or an Arabian trying to stop an educated man from deposing a useless monarch, the moral of Aladdin is always that you can’t trust a foreigner. The videogame adaption takes this theme and runs with it, vertically across a series of platforms. Speaking of platforms this game was released for both the Mega Drive and SNES. The Mega Drive version allowed Aladdin to swing a sword at the friends of democracy while the SNES version reduced Aladdin to throwing apples at the face of man and giant snake alike. Like Disney, Nintendo are a family friendly global corporation and they didn’t like the idea of children accidentally slicing each other’s arms of with scimitars. I for one agree with this decision, children without arms are no good to the Disney corporation as they slide through the restrains on space mountain. That’s another frivolous lawsuit waiting to happen, if you read the small print on your ticket you’ll see that Michael Eisner is not responsible for events that transpire in outer space. It’s much safer for children to risk brain damage by hurling apples or similar round objects at each other, that’s just more brain damaged children coming on charity. trips to Disneyland. Whether the money comes from your own parents or the make a wish foundation makes no difference to me, I’m still just going to give it to Haim Saban.
Disney’s action game featuring Hercules:
I was so sick of people coming up to me asking whether the Bambi game was a FPS or an RPG. The only thing I hate more than acronyms is ice cream vans which use images of Disney characters without paying the proper licensing fees. Listen “Uncle Whippy” just because you provide the ice necessary to stop our founders cadaver going gangrenous doesn’t mean you have carte blanche to depict Goofy asking people to mind that child. Goofy is a registered trademark of Disney and any public image of Goofy should be in keeping with his image as an idiotic dog who would no sooner mind a child as follow proper safety procedures while putting up wallpaper. It is true that the rights to our popular characters are sold at a price too high for most to afford, but have you considered using one of our less famous characters? Your ice cream van could feature official sanctioned images of Gurgi from the black cauldron for as little as $50,000 a month. The point is that most games are mysterious like a Cornetto and you never know what is luring at the bottom of the cone but Disney’s action game featuring Hercules is straight forward like a Cherry Brandy lolly. Only instead of unpopular cherry flavour it features unpopular 2D platforming and a Cyclops who quotes the names of Magic the Gathering Cards.
Toy Story:
If you ask Michael Eisner (and everybody does eventually) Toy Story was the beginning of the end (for Michael Eisner). But I am not bitter at the fact that John Lassiter has hoodwinked his way to the top by remaking the Brave Little Toaster. In fact I wish him all the luck in the world because after Cars 2: Back in the habit he is going to need it. However this game comes from a time before films such as “Old Man misses dead wife” “Robot makes futile attempts” and “Not the Fantastic Four” and as such we can enjoy it’s pre-rendered graphics without knowing that eventually all the characters will be destroyed in a furnace. I’m particularly fond of the sections which see Woody carry toy aliens around the windows maze screensaver, as Tom hanks cheaper brother might say “There’s a serpent in my footwear!”
Toy Story 2:
From the producers of “Apocalyptic sentient automobile future” comes Toy Story 2, the Toy Story sequel that isn’t an hour of suicide inducing melancholy and ten minutes of hilarious jokes about Ken. This time the men from Disney have gone all out to move away from 2D platforming and bring you ….3D platforming. You can recreate all your favourite moments from Toy Story 2, such as the bit where Buzz Lightyear repeatedly tried to jump between tree branches or the scene where Buzz Lightyear can’t work out how to get up a desk and uses the level select code to go straight to the airport level. As a down on his luck due to drink driving charges Tim Allen might say “To Infinity gauntlet and beyonder!”
Disney’s Epic Mickey:
This game tells the familiar story of an old relic being “sent away” and replaced with a younger model who knows more about maximising corporate revenue streams. With this being a game of course Oswald the lucky rabbits family don’t team up to oust you from your position after a few mistakes that anyone could make, that is because un like real life games have to be fair. If Oswald the lucky rabbit was so great how come he is a frozen shell while I Michael Eisner am a vigorous man who does not rely on liquid nitrogen to stop his eyes falling out. Even Mickey Mouse can make a few mistakes, I mean who would think a film about a sassy cow in the wild west could be anything other than a massive success? Well in this game Mickey say’s “no” to the irrelevant men of the past and erases them with paint thinner. However it’s not all “black and white” as much like myself Mickey has some difficult decisions to make along the way, for example should he erase Tron –Pete from existence or simply edit out all his politically incorrect moments? Should he help a pirate marry a cow or report him to the authorities and should he create a Roger Rabbit franchise or have his attempts to create a Roger Rabbit Franchise fail due to outside interference. Of course in the end Mickey escapes from the backwards world he is trapped in and gets lucrative jobs in network television. Again Nintendo were happy to allow this game to be exclusive to their Wii system as it does not encourage children to attack each other with weapons, it merely encourages them to drown each other with paint thinner.
Kingdom Hearts:
Combining two popular franchises to create an all-powerful mega-franchise is just the sort of practice that Michael Eisner approves of. It’s just a shame that instead of working with Square-Enix we weren’t able to buy them outright and acquire rights to all their characters. Let me tell you I had big plans for a new series of Bonkers where Bonkers Bobcat pilots a wanzer. (I also had an idea for a Saturday morning Tobal cartoon called Oliems Troop, but I was advised not to talk about that in public ever again) We weren’t able to release the main Kingdom Hearts games on Nintendo consoles due to the gratuitous use of giant keys as weaponry. In fact the main character’s “Keyblade” stirred up a lot of controversy at the time with people making statements such as “A key should open the door to peace, but these keys bash the faces of all key loving people.” and “This is a key moment in the fight against the deformation of keys.” All the stories of key-related violence in the media didn’t help (boy pokes own eye out with key/ childhood keytastrophe/ Asylum seekers given free keys by government.) and for a while many shops were refusing to stock Kingdom Hearts due to the high level of key based violence. Eventually cooler heads prevailed and everyone was free to enjoy the simple story of the boy from the sixth sense travelling through the magical worlds of Disney and producing a lot of unnecessary portable spin offs.
Jungle Book Groove Party:
Everybody likes hastily made cash ins of popular fads that cheapen a once highly regarded artistic achievement, just ask the people that made the Jungle Book 2: Jungle in the city. With Jungle Book Groove party Disney were able to combine the classic songs from the Jungle book with very slow dance dance revolution style gameplay to produce an unsatisfying experience for all. On my personal recommendation Lou Bega was invited to record his own version of “I want to be like you.” Because if you were Lou Bega I can’t imagine anything more than wanting to be more like someone else. (Specifically someone who wasn’t Lou Bega.) Still it was nice for everyone to hear from Lou Bega again a good few years after Mambo Number 5 just to make sure he wasn’t dead. This game was actually supposed to restart Lou Bega’s music career and had it been successful we would have launched Black Cauldron Groove Part featuring Shaggy and Basil the Great Mouse Detective Groove Party featuring Aswad. Unfortunately the “Groove” franchise was not to be ad the Kettle Drum version of the Rattigan song must remain in the Disney vault…for now.
Dance Dance Revolution: Disney Mix:
Where other men might fear to tread Michael Eisner struts in confidently. After the failure of one “groove” game you might think an intelligent business man would shy away from the whole foot-arrow genre. But as Michael Eisner says “If you aren’t prepared to fail then you aren’t prepared for (Vicki) Vale.” With the help of Konami we were able to produce a dancing game that mixed classic Disney songs with other not Disney songs that didn’t really have any business being there. That said until you have heard a house remix of Chim Chimmeny then you haven’t lived and we even included an exercise mode to count calories for those gelatinous beasts that have enjoyed too many official Mickey Mouse Club House pasta shapes. Yes those shapes may have contained an almost lethal dose of salt, but nobody told you to eat them and going blind is just a natural part of life.
Disney’s Think Fast:
Is there a controller more pointless than the buzz controller? All it does it make the buttons slightly bigger, for most of the games you don’t even use the big red buzzer to buzz anything. Personally I (Michael Eisner) feel that the people that made it must have been “buzzed” by illegal substances when they created it. That doesn’t mean that we here at the Disney corporation aren’t going to take advantage of it to produce Disney themed quiz games. After all if we were that picky about employing drug addicts we wouldn’t have hired the crack head that came up with Sebastian the talking crab. I mean what sane person would ever even imagine a crab could talk? They don’t even have mouths just pincers and a negative attitude towards being boiled in pots. I found this out the hard way while trying to make a romantic meal for Mrs Eisner and from that day all crabs have been disbarred from Disney property. That is why the new DVD release of the Little Mermaid instead features a Monkfish called Hydrogen V. What more is there to say about this game other than that it features a man who isn’t Robin Williams or Dan Castalanetta voicing the genie quizmaster and also that it features a disproportionate amount of questions about Treasure Planet. Even I didn’t like Treasure Planet and most of it was based on my own life.
I must now leave the writing desk as it’s time for Meister Walt to be defrosted and last time he caught me touching his things I was forced to watch Lilo and Stitch. Do not worry though Eisner will be back as that old frost giant won’t live forever and even if he does I will eventually discover the codes to the Disney nuclear submarine.
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