"All our dreams can come true, if we have the courage to repackage them as games varying in quality"
Hi kids!
Uncle Walt "Walltron" Disney here with a round up of your favourite Disney classic films, turned Disney adequate games! I remember back in the days of Space Mountain not breaking down every five minutes and hoping one day, the space age of the future would be the space age of the now. Unfortunately my consistent hatred of the "unmentionable race" means my punishment is to live in a cryogenic limbo with only a Colecovision as company. I may be a man of patience but theirs only so much of a poorly ported "Mr.Do!" one man can take! More like Mr.Don't! Eh readers?
Goof Troop
Do you like games were you have to kick blocks? Do you like games were blocks have to be kicked in a specific way, and this can be easily hampered by a second player? Do you like games were the antagonist is called Pete. As famous musician from the future (from my perspective) once said "Two of those three is acceptable to quotient". Like many games born of the "Social Frameworks society" multiplayer is the way to go, see the joy on your friends faces as you pick up the multi purpose Grappling Hook, leaving them with the ineffectual shiny bell. Smiles light up their face as you walk over all the health pick ups and throw pots at them repeatedly. If you have a competitive streak like Old Uncle Waltzer here, then you'll understand that ruining friendships is worth it as long as you take out a lot of pirates on the way!
Beauty And The Beast
Do you remember that iconic scene in Beauty and The Beast? When Beast clumsily swipes at bats and finds it difficult to land on platforms after jumping. Neither does uncle Wanzer! But I suppose graphics were limited in those days (the future from my perspective) which is why only the most popular scenes were kept in, anyone who enjoyed watching the beast fight against a massive gargoyle can breathe a sigh of relief, it's there in full "Gar-gory" detail!
The Magical Quest: Starring Mickey Mouse
Uncle Wagner's most popular creation becomes the titular hero of a game that tells us "with great platforming, comes great costume changes". Watch Mickey get dressed in several of his iconic outfits such as "Fireman" Mickey "Arabian Magician" Mickey and of course "Bavarian Mountain Climber" Mickey. But don't let the idea of Mickey Mouse half naked put you off, the explicit nature of the game is tastefully handled, although somewhat ruined by the gratuitous smut spouted by the lumbering dunderninny and final boss...Pete
The Lion King
I'm sure you all loved that bit on beginning of The Lion King when Simba got "Jungle Barmitzfah'd" well the less I say about that, the more likely people will forget the terrible things I said and did in my lifetime. Imagine playing the jungle book, except that Mowgli has turned into a Lion cub, and his best friend is Rowan Atkinson (it also helps you stop imagining the Jungle Book) now imagine Simba was powerless to do anything against the entire animal kingdom, even when he grew up to become Matthew Broderick. The ineffectual swipes from Beauty and The Beast return in full, which this Uncle Waninoko is calling "A woeful err on all counts". Everything the light touches...is extremely hard to traverse around!
The Jungle Book
An old classic here made into a future classic, that is of course if I become unfrozen in opposite future...so the past. No amount of upbeat songs from a bear will save you from the brutal realities of a predator infested jungle. But smart old Mowgli has his human wits about him, flinging an arsenal of Bananas to fend off foes, good thinking Mowglers...that'll keep the monkeys at bay! P.S. Kaa proves the old axiom that "If you can't make it against a snake, your game progression is at stake"
Mickey's Ultimate Challenge
Mickey Mouse is back again, in a game that is both educational...and a game! Learn important things you'll need in life like guessing what tools are in an anthropomorphic dogs tool box, and collecting magic beans! Unfortunately the games enjoyment is short lived, taking a mere 30 minutes to complete. But think of those 30 minutes as time invested into making your brain good at space science! Maybe you'll develop the "String Bean Theory" eh readers? (In my time the threat of extra terrestrial beans overwhelming our planet is a constant threat)
Pinocchio
Wooden puppet boys have always been popular video game characters since "Mahogany Michael's Woodwind Snooker", appealing to boys who aspire to be them, and rampant child molesters who aspire to look at them from inside bins. The Pinocchio game drops you in the action straight away, putting you in the wooden shoes of an intense platform experience you will never forget. Never before has the idea of going to school while collecting books on the way been such an enthralling prospect. Of course the action picks up, taking the films cue on the famous "Men made out of shadows on clifftops" scene...
Well old Uncle Wiegraff's time goes short in the modern world, it's back to the chest freezer for me! I would stay longer but the thought of an ethnic ensemble of Disney princesses has left me feeling out of the loop, and nobody puts Walt in the cooler (except the man who puts me in the cooler) But don't forget theirs plenty more games in the sea, or should that be "under the sea"! (I am able to make that pun as I am not jaded by the harsh realities of global warming)
Keep dreaming, and as Oswald the lucky rabbit might say "I am a forgotten mascot of a bygone age" Until next time!
Hi kids!
Uncle Walt "Walltron" Disney here with a round up of your favourite Disney classic films, turned Disney adequate games! I remember back in the days of Space Mountain not breaking down every five minutes and hoping one day, the space age of the future would be the space age of the now. Unfortunately my consistent hatred of the "unmentionable race" means my punishment is to live in a cryogenic limbo with only a Colecovision as company. I may be a man of patience but theirs only so much of a poorly ported "Mr.Do!" one man can take! More like Mr.Don't! Eh readers?
Goof Troop
Do you like games were you have to kick blocks? Do you like games were blocks have to be kicked in a specific way, and this can be easily hampered by a second player? Do you like games were the antagonist is called Pete. As famous musician from the future (from my perspective) once said "Two of those three is acceptable to quotient". Like many games born of the "Social Frameworks society" multiplayer is the way to go, see the joy on your friends faces as you pick up the multi purpose Grappling Hook, leaving them with the ineffectual shiny bell. Smiles light up their face as you walk over all the health pick ups and throw pots at them repeatedly. If you have a competitive streak like Old Uncle Waltzer here, then you'll understand that ruining friendships is worth it as long as you take out a lot of pirates on the way!
Beauty And The Beast
Do you remember that iconic scene in Beauty and The Beast? When Beast clumsily swipes at bats and finds it difficult to land on platforms after jumping. Neither does uncle Wanzer! But I suppose graphics were limited in those days (the future from my perspective) which is why only the most popular scenes were kept in, anyone who enjoyed watching the beast fight against a massive gargoyle can breathe a sigh of relief, it's there in full "Gar-gory" detail!
The Magical Quest: Starring Mickey Mouse
Uncle Wagner's most popular creation becomes the titular hero of a game that tells us "with great platforming, comes great costume changes". Watch Mickey get dressed in several of his iconic outfits such as "Fireman" Mickey "Arabian Magician" Mickey and of course "Bavarian Mountain Climber" Mickey. But don't let the idea of Mickey Mouse half naked put you off, the explicit nature of the game is tastefully handled, although somewhat ruined by the gratuitous smut spouted by the lumbering dunderninny and final boss...Pete
The Lion King
I'm sure you all loved that bit on beginning of The Lion King when Simba got "Jungle Barmitzfah'd" well the less I say about that, the more likely people will forget the terrible things I said and did in my lifetime. Imagine playing the jungle book, except that Mowgli has turned into a Lion cub, and his best friend is Rowan Atkinson (it also helps you stop imagining the Jungle Book) now imagine Simba was powerless to do anything against the entire animal kingdom, even when he grew up to become Matthew Broderick. The ineffectual swipes from Beauty and The Beast return in full, which this Uncle Waninoko is calling "A woeful err on all counts". Everything the light touches...is extremely hard to traverse around!
The Jungle Book
An old classic here made into a future classic, that is of course if I become unfrozen in opposite future...so the past. No amount of upbeat songs from a bear will save you from the brutal realities of a predator infested jungle. But smart old Mowgli has his human wits about him, flinging an arsenal of Bananas to fend off foes, good thinking Mowglers...that'll keep the monkeys at bay! P.S. Kaa proves the old axiom that "If you can't make it against a snake, your game progression is at stake"
Mickey's Ultimate Challenge
Mickey Mouse is back again, in a game that is both educational...and a game! Learn important things you'll need in life like guessing what tools are in an anthropomorphic dogs tool box, and collecting magic beans! Unfortunately the games enjoyment is short lived, taking a mere 30 minutes to complete. But think of those 30 minutes as time invested into making your brain good at space science! Maybe you'll develop the "String Bean Theory" eh readers? (In my time the threat of extra terrestrial beans overwhelming our planet is a constant threat)
Pinocchio
Wooden puppet boys have always been popular video game characters since "Mahogany Michael's Woodwind Snooker", appealing to boys who aspire to be them, and rampant child molesters who aspire to look at them from inside bins. The Pinocchio game drops you in the action straight away, putting you in the wooden shoes of an intense platform experience you will never forget. Never before has the idea of going to school while collecting books on the way been such an enthralling prospect. Of course the action picks up, taking the films cue on the famous "Men made out of shadows on clifftops" scene...
Well old Uncle Wiegraff's time goes short in the modern world, it's back to the chest freezer for me! I would stay longer but the thought of an ethnic ensemble of Disney princesses has left me feeling out of the loop, and nobody puts Walt in the cooler (except the man who puts me in the cooler) But don't forget theirs plenty more games in the sea, or should that be "under the sea"! (I am able to make that pun as I am not jaded by the harsh realities of global warming)
Keep dreaming, and as Oswald the lucky rabbit might say "I am a forgotten mascot of a bygone age" Until next time!
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