The "Radical" world of 90's marketing (Non-righteous edition)

Hey dweebz, the names Link; that's right, the same bodacious-radical gnarlariffic rude and crude Link you know from the hit games 'The Zeldas' and 'The Zeldas 2: Lost in Bill-Clintopia' I'm back dudes, and this time I'm more righteous than ever. With awesome 32 Megabits of graphics so brain-meltingly coolorific, you'll think you're IN the game, and let's not forget the mondo-mega pumpin' stereo sound, with jams so skitchin, these beats will make Beethoven bop! So what are you waiting for dorks and dorkettes, PLAY MY GAME ALREADY!!!!

...90's video game adverts were a scary time, when Sega wasn't telling you to burn your Super Nintendo like the fucking nerd you were, Nintendo was telling you to ignore Sega's lies, slash your wrists and commit forever to the cult Nintendo. Of course you also had Atari and 3DO on the table, but the table had wonky legs near their side so every time they stood up the table would not provide them with consistent 3^rd party support METAPHOR OVER!

90's comics were particularly guilty of this trope, just look over any issue of X-Factor (The most 90's Marvel that Marvel has ever been) and you'll find companies desperately trying to pedal those unsold copies of 'Chuck Rock' and 'The Pagemaster' with reckless abandon, neither of which are worth playing, let alone mentioning. Nonetheless a younger more impressionable me would ignore the weekly antics of Boom-Boom and Calaban in favor of adverts telling me how inadequate I was for not owning the latest game to feature an overweight caveman. Often they were tantalizing double page spreads, on the left side the interchangeable slogan 'Are you rad/bad/cool/crude/mad enough?' on the right, a child in MC Hammer cosplay having some form of 'sensory' overload as a result of the 'realer-than-real' graphics. Often the children didn't look like they were enjoying the product at all, in fact it was causing them some serious physical and mental discomfort, of course kids were hardier back then; you put a Mega-CD in front of youngster now and they will literally die from how real Night Trap looks

Games have come a long a terrifying way in recent years, developers no longer imbue anthropomorphic animals with attitude and game adverts today usually feature slow motion footage of two characters colliding to an 'Imagine Dragons' song, followed by a vaguely prophetic but ultimately meaningless slogan. 'Endeepen your Deepness', 'All ends must come to a beginning'; 'Smell with your eyes'. As for adverts in comics, real physical comics; I refuse to believe physical paper even exists any more; when was the last time you saw paper? Paper has become the new papyrus, a novelty you bring out at parties/Egyptian hieroglyph classes. The medium is dead based on all those facts I just said, but what if it wasn't...?

RE: EDGE MAGAZINE OCTOBER 2018 ISSUE ADVERTISING IDEA

Dear Retro Prefect

We appreciate the lengths to which your creative marketing strategy attempts to engage a particular, jaded demographic. Unfortunately at this time we must decline its inclusion within this, and subsequent issues of Edge magazine. Many of us agreed that while the campaign showed genuine passion for the product in question (Soldier Combat 4) there were aspects which did not convey the overall ethos of this magazine as a whole. In particular the gratuitous use of profanity, the mention of being 'Balls deep in a woman' and the derogatory and derisive mention of the game 'Peggle' a game which we all agree here at Edge Magazine, is the best game since sliced 'Braid' (An office in joke you wouldn't get because we are sole arbiter of indie games and their success)

Our sincerest apologies in advance,

Miles Edgeworth

(Senior director: Edge Magazine)

ADVERT IDEA FOR SOLDIER COMBAT 4

Picture of burly alpha-male holding nerds severed head, possible double page spread with multiple 'beta' corpses littered around a local newsagent (contact Londis) scantily clad women are writhing in the brain matter whilst looking longingly up at the beefy alpha man (contact Uncle Ned) text box below written in blood/spooky font reads...

HEY FUCK HEAD ARE YOU FUCKING DEAF! You probably can't handle 'Soldier Combat 4' because you're too busy being rejected by women, SNOWFLAKE! Grow a pair 'man-boi' and then try this game on for size, and we'll know if you're lying about your manliness because voice chat is MANDATORY, and our moderators know BULLSHIT from 20 parsecs! (That's a reference you'll understand NERD)! This game comes on a disc but if you expect any of the content to be actually on it, THINK AGAIN CUCK! What's wrong, too POOR to afford DLC? Go back to playing Peggle gaylord! There are 10 different collectors editions, WHAT YOU THINK THAT'S TOO MANY! I'm sorry, but how many collectors editions did Final Fantasy VII have? NONE I ASSUME, BECAUSE RESEARCH IS FOR PUSSIES AND I'M TOO BUSY GETTING BALLS DEEP IN THE ACTION TO READ SHIT!!!

I don't care if you buy 'Soldier Combat 4' or not, I don't care about you and nobody else does, you are nothing...AVAILABLE WHENEVER I DECIDE IT'S OUT!!!

I've still not played Peggle, any good?